...but today...today is a day of its own. Today would have been the due date for our precious twins we lost last November. While I only carried them in my womb for a few days, they are forever part of my life. I miss them so much.
I know that to some it may seem silly or over the top to remember embryos that never grew to become babies I held in my arms, but I have to remember them...they were here, they existed, they mattered.
Yesterday I happened to glance at the calendar and it reminded me all over again what was coming today...and I fell apart. Hubby was wonderful and just let me cry in his arms as long as I needed to. I cried for so many reasons...I missed them, which made me feel guilty because I have this beautiful miracle of a girl growing inside me right now who I wouldn't have if my twins were still here. And yet, by having her her, I feel that somehow the other two have been replaced, and then I feel guilty for "replacing" them. Which I know I haven't, of course. But grief brings all kinds of thoughts to your mind.
One thing that came up yesterday, that I also recently read in a blog post, is the joy of knowing that our babies in heaven will only ever know Jesus. They will only know His safety, His love, His comfort. They will never know the pain and heartache of this broken world - and for that I am grateful.
I have so, so many things to be thankful for in this life. And while I grieve, please know that I haven't forgotten everything I DO have. I am so thankful for my incredible husband, my wonderful family, my absolute miracle of a girl growing healthy inside of me, my fantastic friends, and most of all my Savior, who blesses so abundantly as we strive to follow Him.
But today, I just want to remember these lives. I will wear the incredible necklace that Hubby gave me for Christmas that shows my heart forever linked with theirs, I will drink from the beautiful snowflake coffee mug that my parents gave me, I will put on the "Embrace the Journey" bracelet that my brother and his girlfriend gave me after we lost our precious little ones, and I will remember.
My sweet babies, I don't know anything about you, but I miss you all the same. I'll never know what color you eyes or hair are, how tall you would have been, what your smile would have been like or even what things would have put those precious smiles on your faces. But I do know that you were here...and I am your Mommy.
And today, I grieve for my lost babies as any Mommy would, even while I celebrate the joy and peace God pours out over us and the incredible ways He comforts us with His love. He, too, lost a Son once...and He knows how I feel.
Rest in Jesus' arms, my sweeties. You are missed, and you are loved.
12 comments:
Hugs, Heather. You do have two beautiful babies waiting to meet you in heaven...Praying for you today.
i technically wasn't able to read this entire post because i was afraid of bursting into tears.
i found your blog through another and am looking forward to reading more.
I am a mommy of two babies in heaven. we lost our 2nd one on wednesday. both in my womb. both very real for us.
i see you are expecting now. i respect your bravery for trying again. each time it gets harder and harder.
looking forward to readign more.
god bless you and your family!
xoxo lisa
As you know, I don't find your feelings silly at all. I also grieve for the embryos I lost. Grief is a part of life, just as joy and love are too. So I'm sorry you're having a hard day. Glad to hear that all is well with baby girl... hadn't heard from you in a while. When is your due date?
Tina - Thank you. I can't wait to meet them.
Lisa - I'm so glad you found my blog. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss...it is so hard to grieve for our babes we will never meet this side of heaven. It was difficult to try again, but we knew we had a frozen embryo waiting for us to at least give him or her a chance to come into this life - and thankfully, God's plan was that she stay here with us, at least so far. We are so incredibly thankful for her.
Tara - Thanks sweetie. I've missed you! Due date is November 4th....I'm sure it will be here before we know it!
Oh Heather - Thanks for posting what my heart is feeling so real right now. I miss our babies too. And, I pray that the Lord would see fit to allow our next babies that will hopefully be transferred to my womb next month to continue life with us on earth. But, no matter what happens with our next FET, we will always miss these two that recently went to be with Jesus.
I know exactly how you are feeling. I'm still struggling with losing all our babies. Even though I never got the chance to meet them, I loved them and I miss them so much! Thanks for this post.
(((Heather))) Love you, sweet roomie.
Hugs to you Heather...and prayers from us.
Heather.....it's Tami from Just Mom's....sweetie your feelings are not silly they are very normal! I still grieve my sweet angel baby that I lost at 11 weeks along on Oct 3, 2005. I too have struggled with...."had I not lost our angel baby I would not have Nathan" that was an issue for me for a long time. These are all natural feelings to have! My thoughts and prayers are with you sweetie!
A beautiful tribute to two precious children. Praising God for the new life He is knitting together within you this very moment, while knowing fully that no child can ever "replace" another. {{{hug}}}
jenni
Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss
Big hugs to you! They will always be with you and will be watching over your princess as she grows! Hang in there!!
What a beautiful acknowledgment of and tribute to their life, Heather! I sense your deep love for them in your post. We, too, lost embryos before our daughter was born (through EA) and I think about them too. I do take comfort in knowing I will get to meet them in heaven someday, but until then, we too will rest in the comfort knowing they never had to experience pain on earth. Blessings to you and don't be afraid to grieve. Your pain is very valid!
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