Some confusion in my heart...

This post has been a while in the making because I'm just not sure what to say or how to word it all.

My heart is a jumble of mixed up emotions these days. It's to that point where I don't even really KNOW what I want because every time I think about it, I feel a different way. How will I ever come to a decision or a peace this way?

What is it that has my heart and mind so full of emotion these days? What so many IF girls have going through their minds once they have a child....will we have another? Should we try for another? Should we try naturally for a while or jump right to treatments? When should we start trying if we do decide on trying for more? Does God want us to try for more or is He letting us know to be content with the miracle we do have?

If IF had never been in the picture, more than 1 child would have been an automatic. No question in my mind - I wanted at least 4 kids. Now? There is SO much more thought that goes into it all. And to top it all off, I constantly ask myself how I would possibly ever handle 4 or more!! :)

Compound all of that with hubby's health that has been going through MAJOR ups and downs and our new nutrition lifestyle that takes up so much of my time - and I'm still not doing everything I should be doing for that (for our health and husband's healing). There are only so many hours in the day....and sometimes (okay, a lot of times) I struggle to keep up now, even with one.

Hubby said that unless he really starts to see some healing in himself, he cannot imagine having more than one. If he didn't have this stupid disease (yes, I called it stupid. Yes, I really hate it. Truly.), he would be on board for having or trying for another in a heartbeat. But as it is, if he has to get out of the house with just one on his own, it is difficult. He can't imagine having to do it with 2 or 3...so for now, the answer is no. No more children for us at this point.

But that leads me right back to the confusion in my heart. Sometimes, and I daresay even often, my heart is okay with that. My heart and life are so full with love for our Sweet Pea, and I honestly could see our lives being content and amazing with her and her alone (okay, as far as children. Of course our lives are amazing because of Christ first and foremost). She has been an amazing baby and is growing into an amazing (almost) toddler. I cherish every moment with her. And I love that our time at home is just for us. So there are many times where I find myself being really okay with having only 1 child. Something I never thought I would say and a place I never thought I would be. I was completely, 100% against having only 1 child. But Sweet Pea has TONS of cousins and many friends right around her age that she will get to grow up with. She won't lack for interaction. She is a social girl I can already see, and she is showered with love from every corner of our little world (and even further, thanks to all of you who live so far away and still love her to pieces!).

And yet....somewhere deep in my heart, there are those feelings of wanting another. Wanting a sibling for Sweet Pea to grow up with. Wanting to feel a baby kick inside me again. Possibly wanting to adopt through foster or domestic adoption. Wanting a baby in the house again (and sometimes I wonder if I'm nuts, because I love this age I'm at with Sweet Pea and how much easier it is to get around and get things done!!). But those feelings are there.

Are they real, honest feelings? Yes. Does it mean I really want another? I just don't know. Maybe they are just the feelings I've always had because I always assumed I would have more than one. Maybe they are the ground work for God preparing my heart for another.

Because honestly, I don't know how I would handle another right now. I feel often overwhelmed just trying to get one out the door. :) And as I said before, I LOVE having my 1-1 time with her.

Can you tell by my rambling just how mixed up my heart is about all of this? I am content, and yet I wonder. I feel the little longing for more, and yet I really do feel at peace and joyful with our little miracle.

So I guess at this point we'll just see what God brings into our lives. After all, it's really all up to Him. Whether naturally, through EA again, through treatments, or not at all, our lives are lived and directed by Him. We want to bring Him glory, and for our lives to reflect the light of the Son. So God, help my confused heart to be at peace knowing that you are directing each and every step of our lives.

And in the meantime, help me to soak up every single moment I have with our Sweet Pea and not to take any little thing for granted. Speaking of, our little one will be waking up soon. And I can't wait to see her smile.