This post started out as one thing...and ended as another (as you will see). Just another way that I know God is here - my thoughts and words completely changed as I started including Him in what I was saying. The title even had to change because of it. I love it when God takes control.
Mountains of paperwork...and questions...and things that no one else would have to ask to be a parent unless you can't have one yourself and you are adopting. It drives me nuts. I understand the state needs to cover their behinds and they have to make sure they have been extremely thorough. So much of it is just SO detailed and SO lengthy. And I swear, they ask the same question 2, 3, 4 times in this mountain of paperwork.
Case in point: I have been working on my autobiography this past week. There are 15 (yes, 15) sections that must be included and many of those sections have 5-10 sub-sections that must be covered. My autobiography is already 6 pages, and I'm only halfway done. And DH has to write his autobiography. The nitty-gritty details. And then we have all of the short answer-tell-us-your-life-in-a-nutshell questions. Which are pretty much the same type of things as the autobiography, we just have to put it in a different format.
At least I feel like I'm accomplishing something. For the first time in a really long time I am actually hopeful that we might have a son or a daughter by Easter next year. You know how every year (for those of you who have been down this ugly road we call infertility), you are always saying, "Maybe by next Christmas", "Maybe by next year's birthday", "Maybe by next New Year's...or Mother's Day...or Father's Day..." and the list goes on? I tell myself that all the time, but I've long since stopped thinking it was going to happen. Until now. And now I have the slightest vision of light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe this is really going to happen.
And then the fear creeps in. It tells me that there is no point in hoping. That I've done that before and it didn't get me anywhere. That allowing myself to hope only allows disappointment in at the end.
Yet I know that my true hope is not in the circumstances of this life. It isn't based on if we have our jobs. It isn't if DH is ever completely healthy, or if we have our dream house, or if we have one, two or five kids.
My hope is found in Christ alone. In the power of His love, grace and mercy for each and every one of us. In His willingness to come to this earth when we were powerless to save ourselves, and to give up His perfect life in heaven. To come here, to take on our sins - my sins - and die for me. For you. For us. And then on that glorious day to be resurrected. To beat death so that we can have eternal life.
That is my hope. One day, I will be eternally with my Lord because of what Jesus Christ, my Savior, did for me. So often I forget that. And then, in the midst of all my pains, worries, sorrows and frustration, He whispers to me, "Be still and know that I am God". And He lets me climb into His lap and rest in Him - in the precious arms that reached out and died for me.
And I once again am reminded of the hope I have that never leaves me - and I am grateful.
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