Crawling out from under my rock...

It's been over a week now since I last posted. I keep thinking I'll get around to it, but then it just doesn't happen. Sometimes, I'm just not sure what to write about. There have been some good times since last Monday...and there have been some not good times....and then there are those knock-down, drag-out awful times that I never care to relive again.

But through it all, God has been good. He has given me an incredible husband who has grieved and cried with me. My husband has been more transparent in this grief than I've ever seen him. Which was somehow comforting to me...hurting together.

We got through Thanksgiving okay. We told our extended family of our loss over Thanksgiving weekend, and they were all very sensitive with what we were going through. We had a nice time with my grandpa (dad's dad) visiting from New Orleans and hanging out with our cousins, which doesn't happen often. We had the whole family over to our house one night for pizza and cards. I can't tell you how healing it was to have a house full of people. Lately our house has seemed so empty and lonely./

The next morning our friends K and A came over with their 3 littles. The boys played PS3 while K and I made some cookies and started decorating the house. Again, it was really nice to feel like my house wasn't so completely void anymore. It's starting to feel like a cozy home and not an empty tomb now.

In other news, I've been waiting for my cycle to start and get over with so I could get back to the gym. I’m pretty sure over the course of this whole thing I’ve put on about 10 pounds, which doesn’t work well on a smaller/medium frame like mine – I feel completely gross these days.

On Friday afternoon after Thanksgiving, however, I started noticing some welt/rash type things show up on my chest. I didn’t freak out too much, but they didn’t really go away. Throughout the weekend, they started to get itchy and then I was noticing them on other parts of my body. I called the fertility doc on Monday, and they said it was probably just a reaction to the progesterone I had been on, but to call my primary care. I did, but he can’t get me in for 2 weeks. I’ve been taking B. enadryl and putting hydrocortisone on, but it still isn’t gone. The spots are slowly disappearing in some places and staying in others – and my skin is still itchy. It’s worse when I get hot.

I started my cycle on Sunday and was going to head back to the gym on Monday, but I can’t workout right now without the issues with my skin getting worse. To top it off, for a few days now I’ve had major neck pain – went to the chiropractor Tuesday and I go back later today. It's starting to get a little better if I keep a pain reliever in me.

Yesterday I was feeling a little light headed and nauseous, and had some tightness in my chest. I have no idea what is going on with me, but I think it's passed now. Last night the hubby and I spent the evening cuddling on the couch and watching a movie and I was feeling much better. Maybe I just needed some cuddle time.

Speaking of last night, we watched M. arley and Me last night....talk about a tear jerker. I thought I would never stop crying. It felt good to have another cry fest though - I think I've been bottling it up for a few days again.

I guess I'll stop rambling now, but I wanted to leave you with an email one of my sweetest friends sent me. She's a fellow blogger and IFer and her words touched my heart so deeply. Jen, I hope you don't mind me sharing your words with others...and I hope you know how much I love you and am grateful for your amazing friendship.

Hi Sweetie,

I've been thinking about you nonstop.

When we lost our babies last year, I really struggled with the "why" question. I really wondered about God's purpose in all of it.

I've been asking the same question of God about you and your babies and He's impressed 3 things on me very strongly. I wanted to share them with you and I hope they encourage you.

1. It's hard to see a purpose insofar as the story involves just you and Rodney. It is natural to think that God's best plan for you involves you and Rodney having children. It took me a long time to realize last year that God's decision-making process was no longer just about what was best for me. It was also about what was best for our babies. And for whatever reason, He determined it to be best for them, for their souls, that they come home. And for that reason, I knew it was ultimately best for me too, even though I missed them terribly. As their mama, I ultimately DO want God's best for them, even if it diverges with the cry of my heart. Please hear my heart--I don't say this callously at all. I know the flippant "God knows best" and "it must be better this way" remarks. But I don't mean this flippantly at all. If we think about God shepherding our babies the same way He shepherds us, that He directs them and has a best plan for them the same way He has for us, it was easier for me to understand.

2. You served a mighty purpose in delivering these precious babies to Jesus. Before you, they were stuck in a frozen state of limbo. They weren't in a warm and loving home here on earth, but they were also prohibited from returning to their Heavenly home. They're no longer in that state. You gave of yourself and delivered them back to our precious Lord and savior. It's selfless and loving and powerful.

3. Because of you and your faithfulness and your prayers, everyone who knows you, and I think especially the clinic, got to witness a miracle. The way you refused to abandon your commitment to and hope for the "sickly" embryo was and is a real testament to God's grip on your life. And because you remained faithful and gave that baby a chance, everyone got to see Him miraculously heal her. How powerful that must have been for the Embryologist, to witness it first hand! There is great purpose in that, sister. He healed your baby perfectly before He brought her Home. The end result may be the same (she's There and not with you) but the means by which He did it were amazing. Your story and your motherhood used her tiny little life to share of our Great and Wonderous God! There is great purpose in that!

So there you have them...I pray they encourage you.


They did encourage me, Jen...so much.