I don't know.
I dont' know what to do.
I don't know what to think.
I don't know how to move forward.
I just feel...stuck. Since the phone call yesterday, it feels like everything and everyone else is moving and I am just standing still. The tears come regularly, the pain of my breaking heart is often overwhelming. I have to stop everything I'm doing and let it flow. Other times, I push forward as hard as I can so I don't have time to think.
The desire to know my babies consumes me. I want to know what color eyes they have, the texture of their hair. The way they smile and what makes them laugh. I long to see them play together, to see them sit on their grandparent's laps. What kind of music would they like? Would they play sports? What about their personalities - shy, outgoing, witty? I'll never know...and with all my heart, I want them here. Desperately.
But they are not here. They are gone. And it just seems so unfair. And somehow I have to come to terms with that....I just don't know how to do this.
16 comments:
I wish I had an answer for you, my sweet friend. This spot you are in just plain sucks, and you will find a way through it. Just allow yourself to think what you think, and feel what you feel, and don't give yourself grief if you change your mind about how to proceed from moment to moment. And know that a lot of people are praying for you and thinking of you during this difficult time. Call anytime if you want to talk. I know your pain well.
Unfortunately there is no how, and there is no real answer to your question. It will come with time, sweetie. Scripture tells us that there is a time for mourning. Allow yourself that time. Don't think about the next step or about "moving on" or getting over it. Just allow your heart to grieve. God will move you on when His time is right.
And on the days when the grief isn't so bad, allow yourself that too. It's tempted to feel guilty when an hour or a day passes without sadness, but I believe that those moments of respite are of God, too.
Hugs to you. I love you. I haven't called because I've wanted to give you space but I'm here any time you want to talk.
HEATHER: It's ok to feel stuck, it's ok to wonder those things. It's ok to cry, get angry, feel sad, etc. It's all ok!! Please don't feel like you have to be over it right away, it's going to take some time. Stay strong, and just remember we all love you and are here for you!!! Big hugs, and loads of prayers coming your way!
Let it out..... we are all thinking about you.
I wish I had a guidebook on how to get through this. One thing that I think you have got right (and I didn't) is that you are allowing your loved ones to support you. I think the healing will come more easily for you this way. Take good care of yourself. Call anytime.
I am so sorry. I wish I had answers for you. All I can say is to hide yourself in God and allow Him to comfort you. Continue to trust in him.
:( I'm crying with you sweetie. Wish I had the answer. I just don't get it.
{{{HUGS}}} Many thoughts and prayers.
Oh Heather! I wonder those same things about my babies. I wish I had the solution, but all I can say is it takes time to heal. I wish I could speed that process up for you. It's hard to heal a broken heart. HUGS!
I'm agreeing with everyone else--and praying for you as you mourn your little ones. I'm so very sorry :-( HUGS.
I can't imagine what you're going through. We're all here for you. (((HUGS)))
Big huge hugs sweetie! I"m so sorry for you pain! my thoughts are with you!
I so understand you heartache of loss, its just an awful feeling or numbness! I know you have so much strength, just hang in there!
Heather, there is no answer on how to "do" it. The Lord WILL get you through this. Your story is NOT done being written. God is just on the beginning chapters, and I truly believe there will be some better ones coming soon. Hang in there!
Dear Heather:
You don't know me because I have never posted on your blog before. But I came across your blog while in my own grief. My husband and I have been trying for three years and have male factor causations. We recently did an IVF cyclr in August and lost our two babies after three weeks. I have been reading along with you in your journey and cried for you with your recent post. I am so sorry my sister in the Lord and I pray that you will feel His love lift you up and carry you during this very painful difficult time. Like others have said- there is no real answer to your question. My heart is asking the same one.
I understand your pain. My husband and I went through the same painful news in August of this year. I am still greving. I am also a school teacher and my heart aches with the sight of mommies and daddies picking up their kids. When I read your post label "how do I do this" it was like reading on paper exactly what my heart was feeling. I'm not really sure how we do this but God is a God of Hope and I write these words with all sincerity and love- tears are flowing as I write to encourage you. Your Heavenly Father says- for I know the plans I have for you..good plans...not to harm you. I know it does not feel like it right now because none of what we are going though feels like a good plan- but we get through this by believing He does care about us deeply and I truely beleive His heart is breaking right along with ours as we struggle through our infertitliy and desires to be a mummey. There is another verse that reads something like ...for I would have died if I had not beleived I would see the good in the land of the living..-something like that- not sure exactly how it goes- but the good plan will come.
In His Love,
Renee- Nova Scotia, Canada
Hugs & prayers....I wish I had more to offer you dear.
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