Thoughts at 2 a.m.

**Disclaimer: This is a series of random thoughts that are in no particular order. Please note that some of it may not make any sense. I blame it on the fact that it is now 3 a.m. as I finish this and I *should* be sleeping.

I've been awake for about half an hour now. I woke up with a sore throat that is going to prevent me from sleeping for the rest of the night I think. It's the kind where it hurts into your ears and down into your chest. I'm drinking some hot honey-water, hoping that will help a bit.

My dogs are convinced that since I'm up and on the computer, it's time to be up and about and go outside. It's 2:30 in the morning, dogs! Go back to sleep. :)

I got brave yesterday and took a middle-of-the-afternoon-haven't-held-my-pee-for-long test. I was beyond thrilled to see that the test line is now darker than the control line:



The hubs thinks I'm a little silly for "needing" to continue testing. But without many symptoms, not having a repeat beta yet and having an ultrasounds a few weeks away yet, I need SOMETHING to remind me that I'm still pregnant. :) Even typing those words is surreal to me. I am so beyond thankful and I can't say that enough.

I had my first breakdown night before last about just that. I'm scared. I'm trying so hard to rejoice in all of this, but I have seen first hand the heartache of early loss. I don't want to go through that...losing our babes before they ever implanted was hard enough. I don't know how I'd get through losing this one now that I've seen those positive tests.

And I have NOTHING to make me think that we are losing this babe...but this is how my mind works. I get worried and fearful about many, many things that are far beyond my control. When hubs calls to tell me he's on his way home, I sometimes wonder if it's the last time I'll ever talk to him. When I realize it's been weeks since I've seen my brother, I wonder if somehow I'll never see him again. When I can't get a hold of my parents for an extended amount of time, I've been known to freak out that something happened. And so it's "natural" I suppose that I would have fear about this as well. It's the way my mind works.

And yet God's word tells us not to fear. I know I can trust Him. Hubs and I had this talk the other night during my breakdown...I know I can trust the Lord to work all things together for good. However, I know that this is a broken world and bad things still happen...and even though God uses even the bad things for good, fear strikes my heart once again.

And yet....He is always there to help us pick up the pieces. So no matter what this brings, I am determined to rejoice. Right now, I am rejoicing in a successful pregnancy. And I am doing my best to shove away any and all fear that might work its way into my mind. Fear doesn't have a place here. God is God. And I can rest in that fact and trust Him no matter what. I will crawl up in His lap, be His child and rest in my Father's arms.

All that being said, I'd really love to drown myself in some good cough syrup that would knock me out for the rest of the night and take care of this sore throat. But oh well! I'm more than happy to stick it out and deal with it. Who needs sleep anyway?

I'm having such a hard time typing up the story about the day we found out. I think it's because it is so surreal and perfect in my head that nothing I write can possibly compare. I don't have a great way with words, so putting my emotions and thoughts about that day down on paper isn't something that's a simple thing to do. But I WILL do it soon because I want that day captured for the rest of our lives.

I need some lemons. This honey-water just isn't cutting it. But I'm not about to head to our local W. almart at almost 3 in the morning by myself and the grocery stores are closed at this crazy time of day. Guess I'll sit tight for a few more hours.

Before I sign off in these wee morning hours, I want you to know that I am lifting all of you up in prayer. I know so many of you are waiting to cycle, have lost your precious little ones, are waiting or are "stuck" on hold and so many other things...my heart aches with you, and you are heavy on my heart tonight. I will be bringing you to the Lord in prayer tonight...well, I guess this morning. Either way, you are covered in prayer. If you have any specific requests, please send them my way. I would be honored and privileged to bring your need to our Father.

Hugs to all of you out there - those rejoicing, those mourning, those who aren't sure where you are currently at because you're heart is tossed and torn all over the place...I know all of those feelings all to well, and I love each and every one of you.